Musings | Homesickness

I have yet to post anything really "deep" or "thought-provoking" on here, which on a normal basis is totally cool because I'd rather write about fun, Scottish buildings than admit to some of the negative emotions I've been going through here. However, considering today marks three weeks until my return to the States, I have a lot of mixed emotions...and it seems to me the best time to write about it.

So please, feel free to keep reading (I am uploading it for a reason), but if you don't want the image of me leaping through the parks of London erased, then you best wait until the next post. 


Study abroad is a complicated matter, that's for sure. And, I think, if anyone is considering it, it requires a lot of thought and maybe some soul-searching. The action derives from an intense desire to be somewhere else, and for some people that desire manifests quickly, and for others it has been years. For me, that place has always been England and I don't remember a time when I wasn't in love with it. That being said, I totally recommend studying abroad. I would have never forgiven myself if I hadn't done this. It should not be a surprise that I have been absolutely loving it here and will cherish all of the memories, good and bad, that this trip has accumulated. However, I feel the need to make it explicitly clear that I am not skipping through the streets of Europe twenty four hours a day, though I'm sure my Instagram would like to trick you into thinking that. The truth is when I'm not traveling or exploring London I'm sitting in my room, doing homework, watching TV, existing. Don't get me wrong, studying abroad is awesome, but it generates some of the deepest forms of homesickness I've ever experienced. I can't exactly explain what I've been feeling, because homesickness, while it sucks, isn't necessarily all bad, but I've tried really hard to show you what it's been like.

First of all, the worst emotion is loneliness. Not necessarily physically being alone, for occasionally I am surrounded by people in the dining hall, or in a classroom, but mentally alone. Emotionally alone. It's an incredibly horrible feeling and makes you feel strangely like you're oppressed and entrapped. It seeps in at night, when there is nothing to do and everyone else is busy at home with activities, and also in the early morning, when everyone here and at home is sleeping. I knew that this would happen, it is something I prepared myself for, but it's still really hard.

Loneliness derives from missing things.

It's missing not just a few days, but a whole chunk of my college experience. Some of my favorite people in my life have come from school and I've essentially sacrificed precious time (that, scarily, is starting to tick to the end now) with them to be here.  I chose this. Not consciously, but I did. I chose to eliminate time with them. And trust me, that was probably the most devastating realization.

It's missing important events. My Gbig's wedding. My Little's pregnancy. My best friend's first time living in an apartment. My grandma's new cat. Thanksgiving with my family. My cousins kicking BUTT in the world of sports. Liberty Classic Festival. Homecoming. Changes in my sorority, changes in my classes, changes in my school, changes at home, changes with friends, changes with relationships.

It's missing people. Ryan. My parents. My family.  My best friends. My sisters--past and present. My Little. My professors. My co-workers. My writing group. UCM. My band kids-past and present. My dog.

It's missing opportunities to talk. Losing touch. Time difference. Internet going out. "Unable to connect with RegentsWiFi." Skype not working. Snapchat deleting posts. Busy. I have class. I have band. It's bedtime.

It's missing random things. My oboe. Saladworks. Dr. Pepper. Crest toothpaste. The track at Lamade Gym (which you KNOW I'm homesick when I miss that considering past events that have occurred there). Panera Bread. Late-night bathroom rants. Band music. Alabaster. Barnes and Noble. Target. Dunkin' Donuts. Singing in the car. Driving. My books. Knitting.

Who said homesickness is totally bad though? Through feeling miserable and lonely, I've experienced positive things, too.

It's experiencing realization. Who cares enough to talk. Who reaches out. Who makes the effort. Who gets excited even if the Skype call lasts two minutes. Who keeps calling after the Skype call goes out. Who asks about my day. Who I miss the most. Who I thought I'd never miss but I do. Who I still don't miss. Who I've made friends with here. Who people really are.

It's experiencing redemption. Communication. Working around technology. Acknowledging problems. Reconnecting with fading friendships. Smiles of joy. Postcards. Finding gifts they'll love. Finding Dr. Pepper. Snapchat videos. 

It's experiencing strength. Pushing forward. Eyes open. Independence. NOT taking things for granted.  Maturity. "Okay, we can talk tomorrow." Enthusiasm. Adapting. Making decisions--without calling home. "I'll see you soon." Wearing my clad ring every day. Being alone. Bonding. Accepting different cultures.  Deep breaths. Learning. Growing. Forgiving.

It's experiencing appreciation. Fish and chips. Boots. Poppy appeal. Tube. The Queen. Sweeties. Nappies. Knickers. Biscuits. Tea. Trousers. Oyster Card. Jammie Dodgers. Custard. Doctor Who. Mock the Week. Benedict Cumberbatch. Cabbies. Primark. Double decker buses. Theatre. Bulmer's Cider. Jumpers. Victoria Sponge. Teapigs. Regent's Street. Haggis. Cashmere. Bagpipes. Cardiff Bay. Tapas. Plaza Mayor. Notre Dame. Crepes. Kisses on the cheek. Castles. Cathedrals.